Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Struggling, but not in the way you probably think

So today has been a real doozie.  Basically an emotional roller coaster that I would REALLY like to get off of!  And it has nothing to do with diet or exercise.  In fact that part is not even really on my mind.  I mean don't get me wrong, I would have totally have rather had pizza tonight for dinner but I made a healthy choice instead.  And I am good with that.  However, I have discovered I am in constant need of other people's approval or affection or just a thank-you every now and then would be awesome.  I even find myself going out of my way to do things for people in my life just so they will say thanks.  Ugh, no clue when I got this way because I sure as hell don't remember needing other people's approval like this before.  And it has nothing to do with this weight loss journey, or at least I don't think.  I didn't start out on this journey for anyone but myself.  No one told me to get skinny although plenty of people have called me fat over my lifetime.  Maybe it goes back to that and really wanting to please people that I feel like I have never impressed before.  Maybe I am just nuts.  Anyhow, I just needed to say it, get it out, so that is what I did.  Tomorrow is weigh-in day, I have to say I am not even excited.  I will try to remember to post, no matter what the number says.   

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I have 2 followers, time to update!

Well low and behold, I have 2 followers, and since you both commented it reminded me that I needed to update!  Today marked 5 weeks and I am happy to report I am down 15 lbs in those 5 weeks!  It has truly blown my freaking mind how "easy" this has been.  Well easy is probably not the right word, but I am following the Weight Watchers program and it really does not feel like I am on a diet.  I track every bite I put in my mouth, well almost.  I get lazy on the weekends but I am working on that.  I just remind myself, if you bite it, write it (or in my case track it). 

Weight Watchers makes it so simple with apps on my phone or computer, I have all I need in the palm of my hand.  The bar code scanner makes me look like a total fruit cake in the grocery store but it has been a lifesaver.  Instead of just trying to guess what the points value of something is, I just scan the bar code and there it is. 

I have also incorporated exercise into my routine.  I am up at 5:35 am so I can get to the gym when they are open and get my workout in, then its DONE!  No excuses at the end of the work day why I can't work out.  My doctor told me women wanting to lose weight need to combine diet with exercise and that exercise needs to include 150 minutes of cardio/week.  So that is what I am doing.  I have worked out before and I have never truly enjoyed it.  I think my mind set has changed though.  I actually look forward to it and am trying to find ways to add more activity into my day.

This is the longest I have ever followed through with any diet or exercise program and it feels sooooooo good to step on that scale every Wednesday morning.  However, I know I can't continue losing like this and there are going to be those weeks where I lose nothing or god forbid gain a pound or two.  I am not going to lie, it scares the shit out of me.  I am on somewhat of a constant high and I don't exactly know how I am going to handle it.  I guess I will just have to cross that bridge when I get there.

There have been some negative factors.  I kind of feel like I am starting to annoy friends and family.  I have my best girlfriend Amy in my corner, she is awesome and she is my number one cheerleader.  My sisters have been supportive when I bring it up but my family is just not the kind of people that are going to come out and so "way to go" or "you're doing an awesome job" or "I am proud of you".  I unfortunately am the kind of person that needs to hear those things and I feel like I almost have to coax those things out of them and well that just makes me feel lame.

I also deal with a lot of guilt when I eat something that is not so healthy.  I am sure that is common and I am probably not alone there.  It does help me make better choices but eating out is so hard, still.  Thank god I live in a small town with not so great eating out options; the food I cook simply tastes way better.

So that is my update after 5 weeks on plan.  I am excited and proud of me but know that I have a long way to go.  However I am positive that I can do this.  I can be the person I want to be and feel good about myself.  Some day I might get brave enough to post a picture.  I have some befores but I don't think I am ready to put it out there. 

Well this got lengthy but I did have 5 weeks worth of catching up to do.  I need to be better and post at least once a week if not more.  Thank you again to my 2 followers.  I hope your journey is going good and I just want to tell you, you got this, you can do this, nothing taste as good as skinny feels, and last but not least (I saw this on Pinterest today and LOVED it) I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday!